5 Simple Yet Powerful Tools That Helped Me Through the Early Days of My Pet Loss Grief

I share my pet loss story.

When new grieving pet parents bravely join our group, and I see how devastated they are, it breaks my heart. I see the pain in their eyes and hear their sadness in their voice. I remember that feeling vividly, despite losing Tilly nearly three years ago. 

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, and I couldn’t breathe. I had lost my baby, my angel, my little girl and I just didn’t know what to do. I’d never experienced this kind of excruciating pain before. 

I was very lucky that Tilly passed away peacefully and had the loving and dignified goodbye she deserved, thanks to the compassion and care of a home euthanasia vet. It wasn’t traumatic, and I’m forever grateful for that. I know not everyone is so lucky, and my heart goes out to all the pet parents who are left with trauma and nightmares after a painful or sudden passing.

Over ten years ago, I experienced a traumatic loss that left a lasting impact on my life. That experience taught me how important it is to seek support when grief feels overwhelming. I would always encourage therapy or professional mental health support if you feel you need it.

I believe with all my heart and soul that Tilly passed peacefully and protected me from a tragic passing. I know she wanted me to be able to find the strength and courage to share my story and support others on their pet loss journey. 

I’d like to share five simple but very powerful tools (in no particular order) that really helped me through my grief in the early stages. I hope that some of these tools, even if it’s just one, can help you too. 

Cry, cry and cry some more 

Crying is naturally one of the first things we do after pet loss and quite often during anticipatory grief, too. There may have been a time many generations ago when crying was thought to be a sign of weakness, but today, I’d like to believe that most of us know that crying is a very normal part of the grieving process. 

I’m a huge fan of crying, and it’s something we encourage and embrace in our group. Crying isn’t something we should feel embarrassed about or ashamed of, and you’re not ‘crazy’ if you spend days, weeks, or even months crying. Quite the opposite, in fact. There is so much power and relief in shedding our tears. It’s all part of the pet loss journey and a healthy way to process our feelings. When we cry, we release what we’ve been holding inside, allowing us to feel lighter, even if only for a moment.

I’ve cried a lot writing this blog. I know I’m not crazy or silly for shedding tears. I’m simply remembering my baby girl. In the early days, I used to cry countless times throughout the day. I cried out on a walk, in the car, on the bus, in the supermarket, in a cafe and at the climbing gym. You name it, I’ve cried there! 

When I started working again, I found myself wondering how I’d manage to get through the day without breaking down and randomly bursting into tears. I was given some really helpful advice that I hope can help you, too. For those who don’t work, you can still use this technique when you’re managing day-to-day life responsibilities and the challenges that may arise outside of pet loss. 

I was encouraged to set some intentional space aside each day to consciously process my grief and have a good old cry. Of course, this didn’t mean I couldn't or didn’t cry outside of these moments. It simply meant these special windows allowed me to take some time for myself and release any pent-up emotions.

I used the morning and evening hours, just as I settled into bed, to give myself permission to reflect on my grief. I’d look at a photo of Tilly on my bedside table and cry my eyes out as I talked to her. This sacred ritual, which lasted months, allowed me to get through the day and get on with ‘life stuff’.

Over the years, the tears have become less intense and less frequent. I know this isn’t a sign that my love for Tilly is diminishing because the love for our pets will never die. It simply means I’ve learned how to navigate life differently without her physical presence. It helps me to think of her always by my side in spirit. This allows me to try and show up in the world as my best self, knowing that my girl is right next to me and rooting for me. 

The next time you cry over the loss of your best friend, I hope you’ll remember that you’re not broken, weak or not ‘getting over’ this sooner than you think you should. You’re a loving pet parent who is in a whole world of pain, who has lost their baby and is expressing their loss through tears. You’re doing exactly what your mind and body need in that moment.

Walk your grief

We all know that being in nature is good for our physical and mental health, but when we’re grieving the loss of our beloved pet, the last thing we feel like doing is jumping out of bed and going for a run, or even a walk. 

We most likely want to stay in bed and cry our eyes out. I know. I’ve been there, and I’m sure you have too. It’s really hard, isn’t it?

Tilly passed in February, so as we headed into spring and the days got longer, I was reminded of how much she loved to go out and explore. This painful reminder was very triggering, especially as it was the first spring and summer without my girl.  

You see, Tilly was an adventurer and loved to travel, especially in the car with the window wound down and the wind blowing in her beautiful golden locks. Although the spring sunshine often triggered me, it also gently encouraged me outside, as being outdoors in warmer weather felt far more manageable than in the colder months.

At first, taking a walk and bumping into people who ‘innocently’ asked how I was feeling was excruciating. I hated it. I didn’t want to talk about my pain with people who didn’t ‘get it’. I felt like it was a waste of time and only made me feel worse. 

I remember one walk when someone asked when I’d get another pet. I was fuming inside. I thought to myself that no one would dare ask when I’d be popping to the rescue centre to pick up another mum, dad, grandparent, sibling or friend if I’d lost them. I came home sobbing and promised myself I wouldn’t go out for a walk again!

The truth is, friends and family don’t intentionally mean to hurt us with their words. They may just not have the understanding, experience or emotional capacity to support us, and that’s ok. Our job is to find a safe space amongst others who ‘get it’. This painful lesson took me a while to learn and understand, but I’m grateful to now be in a loving community with people who really do ‘get it’. 

Despite what I’ve just shared with you, I really do encourage taking a walk, or as I like to call it, ‘walking our grief’. This precious space allows us to connect with ourselves, get some fresh air, listen to music, talk to our baby or simply cry. Basically, do whatever it is your mind and body need in that moment. 

I used to listen to music, cry my eyes out and talk to Tilly all at once. Despite probably looking like a complete mess, this sacred walking practice was very therapeutic. I didn’t realise it at the time, but with each step I took and each word I shared with my girl, I was gently healing my heart.

If you’re considering ‘walking your grief’, start gently. Maybe pick a location that doesn’t trigger you with familiarity or where you’ll bump into people who’ll want to talk to you after your loss when you may not feel ready to share. 

One of the hardest things for grieving pet parents, especially dog owners, is no longer enjoying daily walks with their best friend. That sense of routine is suddenly stripped away, leaving a gaping hole in the heart and an unfamiliar amount of empty space in the day. This adjustment takes gentle patience and kindness towards yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up if you find the walk too emotionally painful and go home sooner than you had hoped. That’s completely ok. You could try the next day again for a bit longer and see how you feel. Know that it’s a journey and one not to be rushed. 

Try to remember that your angel is walking beside you. You may not be able to see them, but I believe they’re sending us signs as we put one foot in front of the other. Maybe it's a butterfly (my universe sign from Tilly), a feather or a particular flower. Our babies are always communicating with us, and they want us to talk to them, too. 

The concept of ‘walking our grief’ inspired our monthly in-person meetups. If you’d like to join one of these gentle walks, keep an eye on the website for availability.

Photos and memorabilia  

Nearly three years after Tilly passed, I still can’t watch videos of her. The sound and ‘realness’ of seeing and hearing her is just too painful, and it hurts too much. At this point in my pet loss journey, I accept this and don’t judge myself.

To me, the pain represents how deeply I love and miss Tilly. You’ll notice I use the present tense, ‘love her’ rather than ‘loved her’, and that’s because our love for our beloved pets never dies. It’s always with us, and I believe we actually love them more every day. Much like the famous quote, “I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow.”

I know that different things trigger people at different times, and I’m at peace with that. Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll be able to watch a video of my baby girl and not cry or feel sad. Until then, I choose not to judge myself.  Grief is heavy enough without adding self-judgement to the mix.

Despite not being able to watch videos of Tilly, I found looking at photos of her very helpful, especially in the early days. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, and that’s ok. When looking through the thousands (I know you can relate) of photos of my girl, I felt a sense of comfort being reminded that Tilly lived a very happy life. What more could I ask for?

Seeing her enjoying life and experiencing all the adventures we shared brought me a sense of peace. From beach walks to flying in a small plane, from riding on a steam train to cycling together. Tilly truly lived a full and joyful life, and I’m truly grateful for that.

I found the process of choosing photos and finding frames very helpful. It was a way to keep busy and do things that kept my mind occupied. I also found comfort in getting a tattoo to feel like Tilly is always with me. I later bought some special pieces of jewellery that bring me comfort when I’m out in the world. They remind me that I’m not doing life alone, and that my girl is still with me, guiding me every step of the way.

In our group, we often share photos of the beautiful pieces we’ve created to honour our babies. There are many different ways to remember and honour our precious pets. There’s no right or wrong way and definitely no rush. It’s a very personal process. The most important thing is to take your time and trust that whatever you create will be imperfectly perfect and made with love.

Journalling and writing poems

As I write this blog, I find it both painful and therapeutic. I cry in pain as well as look back on my time with Tilly as one of the greatest honours and privileges of my life. I feel sad that I miss her, but also smile, remembering those wonderful experiences we shared. 

I’ve never thought of myself as a ‘great writer,’ but I truly believe that when we pour our feelings into words with love from our heart, it’s nothing less than a beautiful masterpiece. Our words aren’t strung together with perfection; they’re written with authenticity from the depths of our souls.

About nine months after Tilly passed, I attended a journalling workshop. I had no expectations, only an open mind. I’d never journalled before and, if I’m honest, I felt slightly intimidated by the word ‘journalling’.

But as a fan of reframing things, I now think of ‘journalling’ as simply writing from our hearts. I think when we do this, we really can’t go wrong. The journaling workshop started with a few warm-up exercises, and then we got to the exercise that would be a game-changer for me.

We were asked to write a letter of encouragement from someone special. I immediately thought of Tilly. It was a no-brainer. What followed in the next 15 minutes was magical. I poured so many deeply held emotions onto paper that I hadn’t expressed before. Despite being someone who can share my feelings, I’d always been too scared to write this type of letter to or from Tilly. I knew it would be painful, and I wanted to avoid that feeling at all costs. 

I think it must have been the timing, though. Nine months later, I felt emotionally ready to write this letter. I knew deep inside it would help me with my grief. The words flowed onto the paper, and it felt like I could write forever. I didn’t want to stop. It felt freeing (much to my surprise) despite the honesty I was revealing. 

It’s fascinating how the simple act of putting our thoughts and feelings onto paper can have such a profound effect on us. Journalling is a powerful tool for emotional release, helping us move through pain rather than avoid it. The truth is, we have to feel it to heal it. 

I invite you to consider putting pen to paper (or creating a folder in your phone where you can store your thoughts) and expressing your feelings. I have a folder in the notes app called “Tilly’s Poems”, and whenever I was feeling particularly sad, I’d type my thoughts onto my phone. The length of the poem or note didn’t matter, nor did perfect spelling or grammar. That wasn’t the point. The purpose was simply to release my emotions by getting my thoughts out of my mind and written down. A few years later, I look back on the poems I wrote in those early days with deep compassion for the broken-hearted person I was.

There’s no right or wrong way to write. Just meet yourself with compassion and be proud that you’re giving it a go. Journalling has been found to make positive changes. Physical benefits include improved immune system functioning, reduced heart rate, blood pressure and improved sleep. Emotional benefits include a sense of well-being, reduced symptoms of depression, anxiety and tension.

I’m so grateful to the universe and Tilly for leading me to that journalling workshop. I have a very special letter that I’ll treasure forever. Every time I read it, I’m reminded of how my angel touched my heart and changed my life in a way that I couldn’t have ever imagined. She was my earth-angel and the reason why I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other every day.  

Be kind to yourself 

I’ll keep this point short because these four words say it all. If you’ve joined any of our sessions, you would have heard me say this phrase many, many times. It’s a very simple concept, and very effective in helping to remind us that we’ve been through a lot, and the simple act of kindness to ourselves is what’s needed in this moment. 

These four words really did get me through the early and very dark days after losing Tilly, and I still use them today when life throws challenges my way. I don’t think we're always very good at being kind to ourselves, but this act of self-love is more important than ever during pet loss. 

Losing a pet, your loyal companion, best friend, and cherished family member, is one of the most heartbreaking experiences you’ll ever face. It’s a life-changing loss, and we deserve to be kind to ourselves at this vulnerable time. As pet loss is disenfranchised grief, others may not give us the kindness or understanding we so badly want and need, so we have to give ourselves the gift of being kind to ourselves. 

We can also feel pressure to ‘move on’ after a certain amount of time, or be made to feel that it’s unhealthy to feel sad for so long. For me, time hasn’t helped me move on. It’s helped me move forward. I don’t believe we ever truly move on, nor should we.

Instead, we place one foot in front of the other, honouring our babies and trying to make them proud, just as they made us proud. Every single day.

I hope at least one of these five tools will help you navigate your pet loss journey. It’s useful to remember that different tools will support people in individual ways, and at different points in their journey. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there definitely isn’t a timeline either. We’re all on our own path, but one that doesn’t have to be taken alone when you join our Pet Loss Support Group. 

If you’re feeling devastated after losing your beloved pet, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Join a support session and connect with others who ‘get it.’